Dec 30, 2014

    Who says accountants are boring?

    WHILE discussing zombies, a friend said she did not believe the dead can return to life. I told her to visit my office at 5.55pm on any Friday. Long-dead corpses spring from cubicles, ripping off dark suits to reveal sequined cocktail mini-dresses, and that is just the guys.

    The most staid workers are the wildest partygoers, said Mike Taylor of illicitencounters.com, after his dating website's members voted for accountants as "the most exciting people to go on dates with".

    This may be true. There is this guy called David Ellis who works for Britain's Chartered Institute of Public Finance and Accountancy. During holidays, he travels the planet filming himself screaming on the world's scariest roller coasters. One of his videos, Mieders Alpine Coaster With No Brakes, has been watched nine million times, and that's just by me.

    On an Asia trip, David visited 27 roller coasters in China in 16 days, and was delighted to find rides so jarring that he was lifted out of his seat in mid-air, which he calls "air time". I wish I had thought of taking him on my morning minibus ride, during which we unfortunate passengers spend most of our time either in mid-air or pressed against the bus ceiling by g-forces.

    Accountants get a bad rap. When the "Most Exciting Accountant" competition was launched, a columnist at Theinquirer.net sneered: "A group of independent excitement experts will leaf through the applicants and pick out the most exciting, or, perhaps, least dull of the group. The current favourite at the bookies is one young man who owns a purple calculator."

    In my opinion, the commentator's snarky tone is out of place considering the typical earnings and credibility level of Internet journalists, both of which stand at zero.

    The truth is that if you search Google News, you will find some accountant launching a company, getting arrested, blowing the whistle, making a fortune, stealing a fortune, creating an empire, going on the run and so on. At least that is my accountant's typical morning.

    He counters accusations of being boring by keeping a cutting from Britain's Daily Mail in his wallet, about a female horticultural analyst in Britain who gets paid to watch grass grow. Can you even begin to imagine how this woman behaves during evenings and weekends? Woohoo.

    Anyway, back to the subject of zombies: Scientists say the walking dead do not exist, but clearly they have never tried giving a lecture on Acceptable Behaviour to teenagers.

    Fortunately, atrociously behaved adults like the present writer can easily get revenge. How to upset your children: Wait for their next check-up at the doctor's and then hand them their X-rays, saying: "Bad news. The doctors found this weird skeleton thing spreading through your body, look."

    And just to be fair, here is a neat way for young readers to annoy adults. You just wait for a grown-up to say, "My, you've grown so much since I last saw you", and then you point to their tummies and say the same thing.

    Now excuse me, it is nearly six o'clock and time to down tools, or, as we say in my office, resurrection.