Jun 09, 2014

    Care to sponsor my luxe birthday bash?

    CLEARLY, I am in the wrong game. Writing books, columns and TV shows is so 20th century. It's time to become a luxury blogger.

    These guys are the future. These guys score more trips than Luis Suarez in the penalty box.

    It's very easy to mock luxury bloggers, but they've seen the light. It's the one above their head in their first-class cabin. I want a taste of the high life and my 40th birthday is coming up.

    So I've written the following press release detailing my big bash plans for potential sponsors.

    Dear people with lots of money,

    I have 5,000 Twitter followers and only 4,888 of them are bogus accounts set up by my mother (she's very superstitious). I also have nearly as many friends on Facebook and I know at least 10 of them. I think I've even met three of them.

    I take photos - three times a day - of my meals.

    I always "like" photos of cute hamsters running across pianos and I regularly share any stories with headlines such as "He dived naked into a lake filled with naked women and sharks and you won't believe what happened to the instantly castrated guy next!"

    And blogger Roy Ngerng seems to be asking for a donation on my Facebook feed every seven seconds.

    I am a highly active user of social media. I believe your wealthy clients would maximise publicity and broaden brand awareness - at least to my mother - if they sponsored my 40th birthday party.

    I intend to fly first class on a Boeing 007 to Monaco. I can give you detailed specifications about that particular aircraft. The Boeing 007 has really, really big wings that are like, you know, totally awesome.

    When you fly first class, you have to ask your chauffeur to drop you at a place called Changi Airport - it is where you get your plane from. That's important to remember because my friend made a mistake and waited for hours with his Gucci luggage at Changi Village.

    There is one place you can go at Changi Airport that has lots of scrumptious fresh fruit to eat. It's a special place reserved for Changi Airport visitors. It's called NTUC FairPrice.

    My birthday party destination is Monaco. Monaco is one of my favourite cities in the world and the capital of France. Some people think that Paris is the capital city of France, but only Monaco has the Grand Pricks.

    The Monaco Grand Pricks is where lots of rich, foreign people go round and round the streets for hours in really fast, expensive cars. This also happens in Marina Bay.

    When I get to Monaco, I'd like to book the amazing spa facilities and use the jacuzzi pool. Growing up in a poor family, we didn't know what a jacuzzi pool was. My mother used to tell me that if I wanted fancy bubbles I had to fart in the bathtub.

    I will obviously need clothes for my trip, but they must fit. So perhaps the Singapore Zoo could help out with anything the orang utans might have discarded.

    My shirts and trousers must be tailored by a zookeeper in the primates' enclosure and the size-13 shoes can come from the Cirque du Soleil.

    In Monaco, I plan to stay in a five-star hotel suite. These suites must include a grand piano so I can play a one-handed Axel F when the mood takes me.

    I also want a butler on call 24/7. I discovered only recently that poor people do not have a butler waiting for them outside their hotel suite at all times.

    On a recent trip to Washington, all the hotels were fully booked so I had to stay in a much smaller place. I gave a guy who passed my room $50 and asked him to bring me something delicious. He thought I was a pervert.

    Naturally, I don't expect sponsors and advertisers to pay for my entire trip. My generous father has kindly offered to make a contribution. He said: "I'll give you a kick up the backside and a packet of peanuts."

    He's a plumber. He should be the CEO of a low-cost airline.

    (And, yes, I have travelled on a low-cost airline before. I once booked the whole plane so my friends and I didn't have to share a toilet with strangers.)

    In return for sponsoring my 40th birthday, I will, of course, offer lots of generous publicity on my travel website www.nopoorpeople.com

    My website has been accused of being exclusive and elitist, an unfortunate social by-product of the growing income divide in Singapore.

    That is simply unfair. I also believe that we must do what we can to be a more inclusive society.

    So it is no longer true that only millionaires are allowed to register. The website also welcomes the children of millionaires.